cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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