Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
zippers are such a cool invention
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
