come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
