I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
