I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
