i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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