Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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