I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
