I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
