I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
