you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
