please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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