if you like me you must not know who I am
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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