I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
