I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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