I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
