If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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