I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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