So drunk its hurt
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
