nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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