Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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