Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
