Cold hands, warm shart.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
