My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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