Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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