Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
