dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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