My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
