Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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