There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
