I don't usually arrange sex via text message
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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