if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize