walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
