Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize