There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
