I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
