It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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