They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
