Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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