Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
