I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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