Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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