Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
