I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
