Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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