You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
