I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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