I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Randomize
