My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
