I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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