Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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