I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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