I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
