he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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