Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
