***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My feet surprised me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
