She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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