so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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