Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize