got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
