Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
